Winter Peace

We sit together, Teacher and I, and watch out her dining room windows. At 100 years old, she has looked out these same windows at the same fields for 80 of those years. She never seems to tire of the view, talking of years long gone and watching the birds as they flit from feeder to lilac to tree and back. Teacher has fed her children at this same table, and her grand-children. Now she looks at pictures of great-great-grandchildren from the same chair she sat in for so many meals. She doesn’t really remember who the pictures are of, but she likes to look at the children’s smiles. Sometimes there is enough of a family resemblance that she knows they are her relatives, sometimes she just smiles at the beautiful faces of strangers looking up at her from the album.

Photo credit

Two pheasants come to peck at the sunflower seeds that the raucous jays have spilled on the ground, and even Teacher’s failing eyes can pick out their vibrant colors. The sun peeks out from behind the clouds, and we both “ahhhhh” like the crowds on the Fourth of July. “There’s the sun!” she says, “Isn’t that just beautiful…” I ask if she is warm enough (she never is these days) and offer a blanket to wrap around her shoulders. Teacher smiles her thanks and goes back to watching as the golden sunlight pours over the fields, contrasting deliciously with the purple shadows where the snow has drifted and dimpled.



We spend much of our time in silence. Teacher drifts through the memories of the years she has seen, and I wait for the tidbits she chooses to share. I crochet a lot when I am with her, just sitting and enjoying the silence. I keep an eye on the bird feeder, letting her know when an unusual bird arrives for a visit or commenting on the antics of our “regulars”. I used to ask her to identify some of the different birds for me, but now I get out the bird guide and we look them up together. I like to watch the way Teacher touches the pages of her bird guide. She caresses each page, tracing the colors and outlines of the different birds. There is a tender joy in her movements. Two of her favorite things, birds and books, combined in one object that she can touch.



Today, the snow is blowing across the fields, rising in clouds that blur the stand of pines beyond. I turn on some soothing classical music – she is partial to Debussy – and we let the music drift over us. Teacher asks (again) what project I am working on, and I hold it up, shaking out the wrinkles so she can see the bright colors I am weaving together. “It’s going to be an afghan. I hope Big Sprout will want it when it’s done” I reply (again). This sparks the same conversation we have already had 3 times today. She asks how old the Sprouts are, what grades they are in, and if they are happy. I answer her questions, and tell her a few amusing anecdotes about their behavior. Then we settle into silence again. It never bothers me to answer her questions over and over through the day. Teacher doesn’t remember asking, and I like that she is interested enough to ask.



Sometimes, Teacher will hold the end of my crocheting project while I work. Her hands are still strong, the fingers nimble, and she seems to enjoy the textures of yarn as she traces the loops and swirls of each stitch. Teacher watches as the hook darts in and out of loops of yarn, light flashing off the colored metal. I think she gets a little hypnotized by the motion. I can see her eyelids droop and her eyes lose their focus as she watches. Soon her eyes close altogether, and I stay as quiet as I can to let her nap.



The day will come (probably sooner rather than later) when she will move on to whatever comes after this life. There will be no more afternoons spent in companionable silence, no more pecks on the cheek and promises to “see you soon”. I can’t worry about that. Every day is treated like it is our last day together, and I know that when the time comes for us to part ways, I will be happy for her. I will have the memories of 12 years of her friendship. I will have all the many things she has taught me to keep her with me over the years. And I will cherish every one.

Wondering Why I Bothered....

I went back to work Monday night, only to be informed that I mustmustMUST attend one of the meetings down at the main office regarding "changes to the health insurance". Evidently, my employer (after steadily increasing our premiums and decreasing our coverage over the last 3 years) has decided that, in order to prepare for the coming changes mandated by President Obama's Health Care Reform, they may be dropping all coverage for 12-18 months. I am supposed to attend this meeting to "talk some sense" into the CEO of the company and "let him know what the working folks of this company are up against". Frankly? With the miserable insurance they offer now, I would be better off with nothing. To the tune of 50% of my wage, better off. Yeah, you heard that right. Between taxes and health ins, I lose almost 50% of my wage every pay period. Well, 41.226358%, if you want to be really precise about it. Our deductibles are so high that the insurance never kicks in. So I am paying all this $$ for nothing at this point.

Grrr.

Then I was informed that we will be getting a new client. This one will be a better fit with our existing clients in regards to his cognitive ability, but his physical needs are a little outside what our staff are trained for or comfortable with. Not that it is impossible, just a lot of staff are very uncomfortable with some of the cares we will need to perform for him when he moves in. A lot of them are talking about quitting.

To top off the wonderful night, and the night that followed, I was treated to a general "dumping" of troubles and unhappinesses (yes, that is a word. I just made it up)that have been going on in my absence. Every staff I have been in contact with over the last two days has been telling me how miserable they are, how they are sick of our boss and the job and the way the company seems to be letting us all down.

I am really wondering why I bothered to return to work at all.

*sigh*

Now I am thinking even harder about changing jobs or going back to school or something. Anything.

Grrr.

On the bright side, it rained today. It is nice, since it cleared a bit of the humidity. Let's all kick off our shoes and enjoy the feeling of damp, sweet grass between our toes while we go out and enjoy the garden, huh?

Rivers of Tears

I know I have talked before (at some length) about my favorite job of all time . This morning, I got the call that my ex-boss was retiring, and today was to be her last day. I was welcome to stop by anytime this afternoon.

Not wanting to miss saying goodbye to a wonderful woman who did so much to shape who I am today, I hurried through the tasks I had set for my morning, and dragged Little Sprout along with me to the Day Center.

Gosh! It was like going back in time. The smell struck me right away. The smell of Ben Gay ointment and basement dampness, of cookies and cakes and nursing home food. It may not sound pleasant, but to me it is a wonderful smell. I loved seeing the old, horrid, dark paneling on the west wall. I remembered how much of a bother it was when the new carpet went in, and noticed that it was holding up quite well. Even the bright orange counter tops in the kitchen made me smile. It was so familiar, so beautiful. I wanted to throw my arms around the whole room and everything in it. I know I was smiling like a fool, that my eyes were darting around taking note of every minute change. I must have looked like a crazy woman.

That's when the "new boss" met me. I told her who I was, and she showed me to the back room where all my old cronies were hanging out. Like I needed an escort, but I let her lead the way anyway.

I spent the next couple of hours reliving old times with women that are more than friends. They are family. We talked about where we are now in our lives, what has happened since last we saw each other, what our plans are for the future. We laughed over funny things we have done, and shook our heads over the days that made us want to scream. We looked at pictures, remembering those who have passed on and how much they have meant to us. We told stories to new staff and clients about the antics we got up to.

We cried.

It's an end of a dream for me. I have always hoped that, somehow, I would be able to go back. Oh, I knew that you can never truly go back and have things be the way they once were..... I just hoped that someday I would be able to go back to a place that I truly loved, with people that I cared about so incredibly much, and that it would be better because I am a better person now. I know now how rare and wonderful my years there were.

And now that will never happen. Without my ex-boss, I may return to the Day Center, but it won't be the same. So much of what I remember is because of her and her unique passion for the work she did. It wasn't a job, it was a calling. She was (and still is, even if she is retiring) magnificent. She made every moment, even the miserable ones, special. We all loved what we did, and we were all passionate about our care giving, but she was the energy and the life in our Center. She could walk into a room and change the entire energy in the place. She loved everyone, and they all loved her. She was never too busy or tired to go the extra mile for any one of her staff or clients. She was incandescent....powerful....wonderful. Even when she and I were butting heads or just plain irritating each other, I never once doubted her dedication and honest affection for what we did and our clients.

My highest goal is to someday have a Center and run it in the same way she ran hers, full of laughter and love. I want to touch peoples lives with the same sense of belonging and care that she lavished on all of her clients and staff.

I am walking in a cloud of memories. Faces of clients long passed on hover in my minds eye, and I think of all the lessons they each taught me. Lessons about grace, beauty, honesty. Lessons about life. There were the guys who taught me that you are never too old or sick to dance and flirt all day, and the women who taught me that you can be strong and feminine at the same time. There were those who showed their life-scars proudly, and taught me that there is amazing power in overcoming hardship. There were those who taught me to laugh at myself, and those who reminded me that there is a time to be serious. Some taught me that the "beautiful people" can be just as kind and generous and loving as everyone else. Others taught me that no matter how humble a person's station, they still can have pride and self-worth. Some taught by example what I don't want to be, what I don't want to do. They changed my life. They changed me.

I have loved them all. Even the ones I didn't like particularly well.

I don't want to ever forget the faces or the fun I have known in my years at the Day Center. My biggest fear is waking up and not remembering the name of the woman who was always so pleased when I brought her a plate of Mr. Barefoot's liver and onions or the face of the man who did monkey impersonations with me in the hallway. To lose the memory of the retired school teacher who tirelessly read to my Big Sprout back when she was just Sprout would be more tragic than losing any single thing I own. I want to always remember the bitsy little woman who loved her purses and hats, and the cranky old biddy who loved to hassle us with a twinkle in her eye. I want to remember the proper gentlemen and the rakish rogues. I want to remember the prim ladies and the bawdy wenches. I want to remember every hug, every time they called me "sweetheart", every joke that made us laugh until we cried. These memories have become some of the best parts of me.

And that's all I have to say about that.....

Awkward

I think I have made it abundantly clear here on my blog that I do not like my boss. She is rude, she is unprofessional, she does not deserve my respect. For the last 5+ years, I have bitten my tongue and kept my head down while she allowed her personal issues cause difficulty after difficulty at work. It has been very difficult.

About two weeks ago, some things she has said and done came back and bit her - HARD - in the backside when one of my coworkers called her out over the entire situation at a meeting. Within moments, the boss was nearly in tears as several staff pointed out her lies, manipulations, and casual cruelties.

It was a blast. I was so proud of these normally timid staff for standing up for themselves and not allowing her to back them down. I, amazingly enough, managed to keep mostly out of it. Only when Big Boss Lady asked me to defend her by lying did I say anything, and even then I kept it to just agreeing that the other staff had a point and refusing to help her out.

Last night we had my annual review.

Big Boss Lady skimmed through the "me" portion of the review in about 2 minutes, and immediately brought up the mess from the meeting. She looked at me in the eye and honestly asked what she needed to do to make things move more smoothly at work.

So imagine me sitting there with 5 years of mistrust, anger and bitterness stored up in that special vault inside us all that keeps such things fresh and vibrant. It would have been so easy to unleash upon her the Wrath of Barefoot.

And I didn't.

Oh, don't lose faith in your little Barefoot. I was honest with her. I told her that her backbiting and gossiping ways set up a situation where it was very easy to believe that she would say cruel things about any of us. I told her that she was pushing good staff out the door. I told her that I thought many of the things she said and did were terribly unprofessional, and that she was the cause of much of the confusion and apathy seen in our staff.

But I didn't have the heart to jump down her throat with all the pain she has heaped on the rest of us for all these years. I didn't have the heart to throw in her face specific examples of times she has lied to me, or set us all up to fail.

Just recently an old friend told me that I was a "nice lady". I laughed at him, thinking that neither of those terms particularly applied to me. Now I wonder. Am I a nice lady? Or just a fool?

Tearing Out My Hair

The staff that was supposed to come in this morning to work and relieve me was - once again - a no call, no show. I can't even believe it. When I called, they didn't even answer their phone. In the ten days since I have been back at work, we have had 3 folks not show and not call, and one quit after 3 days with no notice given at all.

It drives me nuts. Seriously.

First off, not showing up and not calling for work is just plain rude. It means that I am stuck at work until I can find someone to come in to cover the shift. I work with Vulnerable Adults, so I can't just buzz out when my shift is over. It's not like a desk job or something that can be left alone for any length of time. Not showing up like that shows disrespect for me, the clients, and the company. It also makes me rip-roaring mad, which is never good. I tend to get a little...well, mean to folks who are so selfish.

It really burns me that the staff that are doing this are staff that came on board begging for as many hours as possible. They talked about how their hubby/boyfriend/whatever had been out of a job for so long, their phone had been shut off, the mortgage was two months late, their kids needed new shoes....you get the idea. So then we (miraculously) found some extra hours in the schedule that needed filling. There were nearly fistfights breaking out as staff tried to take as many of the new hours as possible. Everyone needed that extra cash so durn bad. But then when it is time to come into work, they don't show.

You would think that, with the economy being what it is, that they would all be working their butts off to make sure that they kept their job. Especially after telling such awful stories of how much they really need a job.

And then I start wondering "what is so bad about this job that I am just not seeing"? Seriously. I don't always like what my boss says or does, but mostly because I think she is to easy on staff, not because she is so tough to work for. And the clients are a pain sometimes (and have been lately, with all the upheaval in their lives), but for the most part they are nice enough and more than willing to follow the daily routines without much fuss. Sure I have to wipe the occasional backside, and listen to the guys yell when they are ticked. Sure I have to cook and clean and make sure they are safe....but that isn't all THAT hard. Really, anyone can do it.

That (sorta) brings me to my next issue. Imagine, if you will, that you have been living in the same house for 10 years or so. Everything is just about the way you like it. You know when bath time is, when meals will be served, what the rules are, and where to find things. You know that cupboard x holds your massive collection of puzzles, and that the dishrags are kept on shelf y. Meals, though not really imaginative, are familiar and tasty. You have a routine that is comfortable and comforting. You are content.

One day, half a dozen strangers come into your home. They start moving the furniture around, and don't know that the green blanket is yours and that the red one goes to your roommate. They start cooking meals that look and taste different. They hang new pictures in place of the ones you are used to looking at, and your puzzles have been moved to goodness knows where. All of a sudden bedtime and mealtimes have changed, and you really don't know what to expect every day.

Regardless of whether or not you like the new foods and new furniture, you are going to feel unsettled, right? You are going to be a little cranky when you see strangers messing with your stuff. They are moving things and changing things, and you can't stop them.

Now imagine that your cognitive abilities are impaired, and you can't understand why they are there or why they are making these changes. All of a sudden, what was a minor irritation becomes a life-altering experience. The routines that give your life structure and keep your anxiety and stress level at a minimum are gone, leaving you uncertain and frightened.

That's what my poor clients have been going through lately. New staff are convinced that they know better than the more experienced staff what the guys need, and are changing everything all at once. Understandably, my clients are acting out in the only way they know how. It is so frustrating to see my guys behaving badly in order to show their displeasure and discomfort only to be scolded for misbehaving when it is all the staff's fault. And I can't fix it for them until I convince everyone on the team that changes have to be made s-l-o-w-l-y for these guys. They need a chance to adjust to every little change. They need a long time to adjust. To everything. They are so dependent on their routines. One little change can throw them off for the whole day.

Ugh.

Not that I am saying that all things have to be the same all the time. Sometimes, a new staff will come on the scene with a fresh perspective and have really good ideas. But it needs to be done carefully and slowly to be effective and keep the guys from getting all confused and scared.

Ok. Rant over.

Tying A Knot And Hanging On

Breathe in.... Breathe out. I am........ Relaxed.

Things are not going well at work. Not really, just one employee is making trouble for me. I have the support (such as it is) of Big Boss Lady and the other staff, so I should be okay, but I hate the way this has all made me feel.

My eldest Step-Sprout is flying home from TX on Sunday (on our dime) and will be staying with us for "a few days". Wounds in that relationship have not been totally healed, so I am just hoping that all goes smoothly. I am also hoping that her idea of "a few days" is the same as mine.

Little Sprout is sick with a cold. It isn't serious yet, and I have been smearing mentholated rub on her and have the vaporizer going. I am hoping to get her to rest for most of the day (so I can rest, too).


Mostly I am just holding on right now. Again this year I am wondering if things start to fall apart for me in the late winter/early spring because of the lack of sun and SAD. The last couple of weeks have been nightmarish for me, after feeling pretty good for most of the winter. I concentrate on remembering to shower and take my meds; I am trying to sleep as much as possible (since, of course, my insomnia has also kicked in); I keep reminding myself to exercise as much as I can. Really that is all I can do. Just breathe in and out and wait for this to pass for the year.

I am trying to focus on planning my garden for this summer. I am burying myself in garden porn (aka seed catalogs) and trying to budget my time to maximize the amount of gardening I will be able to fit into my strange schedule. I am thinking that this year I will have to involve Big Sprout more than I have any other year, just to keep up with the gardening tasks. But that is okay, because she has very little responsibility, and I firmly believe that children who are raised with chores and such grow up to be adults who are more responsible and well adapted. I really don't think that asking her to spend an hour or two, two or three days a week, in the garden is going to scar her for life.

I just keep reminding myself that each day is one day closer to spring planting, and that I have made it through worse times than this. Maybe today is the day I will believe it...

Wind Out Of My Sails

So, remember I was really pissed at some of the staff at Job #1? We had a meeting last Thursday, and I arrived all ready (with permission from the boss) to blast said staff with scathing remarks about their idiocy and unsuitableness (is that even a word?) for the job. I had my whole speech worked out in my head.....I had spent HOURS working out the wording to make them feel about as small and insignificant as possible without actually crossing the professional line and calling them morons to their faces. I made Mr. Barefoot bring me home ginger and honey so that I could make ginger/honey tea (an old standby for healing voices. Mine disappeared with this latest cold). I was PREPARED. I was STOKED.

And only one of the staff that I was angry at showed up.

And none of the newest staff showed up.

As angry as I still am about the whole thing, I am not cruel enough to jump one lone gal when she was not the only one who transgressed. It just wasn't worth it to go through the whole thing for one staff who is an idiot and half a dozen staff that are wonderful.

Well, at least acceptable.

So I didn't say much of anything.

What a bummer....

Flabbergasted

I think I have mentioned about a million times that I work with DD adults at Job #1. Last night, I had a situation arise with a staff that I just couldn't believe really happened.

We have one client at our house that doesn't really "fit" with the other guys. Three of our guys are very dependent on staff for their every day needs, and this Client #4 is just the opposite. He is very independent and needs very little intervention in his daily activities.

Anyway, this staff had been doing one-to-one time with this particular client in a manner that another staff questioned. Since I am senior staff, they both came to me for a decision on who was right on the issue. I could see both sides of their story, and tried to explain each staff's position to the other, suggesting to the staff in question that they talk to Big Boss Lady about what she wanted. During our discussion, I mentioned that a concern I had was that (since he is verbal and much more independent) this particular client was being treated as if he was better than the other three.

The staff in question actually looked at me and said "But he is!"

My jaw hit the floor. Almost literally.

I have seen that quite a few of the staff are treating our new client differently than the other three, and this confirmed my worst fears.

It took me about .5 seconds to recover from my shock, and I let the staff in question have it. To my surprise, there were three staff there all arguing the point that since this particular client is better socially adapted, that makes his needs more important than the others'.

This is why I still work as a grunt in direct care. Seriously. .

The fact that THREE of our new staff honestly believe that just because someone is able to verbalise their needs and desires to you they are somehow more worthy just blows my mind. What ever happened to sticking up for those who really NEED our advocacy?! Just because this guy can play a game with you, and likes to tease and laugh, he is more important than the guys who can't tell you if they are sick or lonely or angry?! If my clients were my family members, and I found out that their caregivers thought that way, I would be terrified for their well~being. And I would be comforted to know that there was at least ONE staff taking care of my loved one who didn't think they were somehow less important than everyone else.

Ooh, just thinking about it now makes my blood boil.

We are having a staff meeting this coming Thursday, and you can bet whatever you hold most dear that I will be bringing up this incident.

It will not be pretty.

The Most Terrifying Honor

About 6 months ago, a new gal came to work with us at Job #1. I will call her Gem. She is a sweet little thing, about 19 yrs old, and a great worker (which I have found is rare in the younger employees we have had). I like her.

It seems she likes me, too, and I have found myself in the strangest position. It seems she looks up to me and respects me. She values what I say.

Odd.

And frightening.

See, Gem is at a very delicate point in her growth as a person. She was raised in a very sheltered and structured home, and is now beginning to evaluate whether or not the path that her parents set her on is one that she wants to follow for the rest of her life. Her eyes are opening to all the options available to her, all the different lifestyles and beliefs that are out there. She is realising that life is not as black and white as she may have always believed.

It is awe inspiring to watch her on her journey. I don't believe I ever had that strong of an experience. My parents taught us by three rules: Judge Not; Do Unto Others; Always Do Your Best. I don't remember my parents ever indicating to me that any one's life, no matter how different from our own, was wrong. Unless, of course, someone was hurting themselves or others with their behavior. My parents talked about the value in all people and pointed out the similarities between their lives and ours rather than the differences. As a result, when I came to an age where I was out on my own I was never shocked that folks could come from very different lifestyles and still be "good people".

Gem hasn't had this. She has been taught that anyone who doesn't live by her family's standards and beliefs is bad. That anything different from what she has known is wrong. And she is finding that this isn't always the case, and is trying to figure out how that will change her own life.

Often she will stay after work to talk to me. It is humbling to know that she believes that I may have the answers to her questions. It is flattering and frightening to see the way she absorbs everything that I say. Having so much influence over someone is a huge responsibility, and so I am very cautious. I don't want to tell her who to be. I don't want to unintentionally mold her into someone that she is not.

On the other hand, I don't want to push her away. She is honestly seeking her path in life, and from what she tells me too many people have been telling her what to think and believe already. Friends telling her one thing, parents telling her another, co~workers telling her something altogether different.

So I listen, and I offer my thoughts, and I tell her that she must decide for herself where to go from here. I truly believe that those who question their lives, their places in life, their beliefs and honestly seek the answers become stronger people. Finding the answers to these questions inside yourself gives you an inner strength and confidence that can serve as a solid foundation for the rest of your life. I am proud of her for having the strength to step back from the doing in her life in order to evaluate the why of the doing. Too many folks live their whole lives as zombies, following what their neighbors or their friends do without ever once thinking about if it is the right thing to do.

Personally, I am finding the situation new and strange. I have had many discussions with different people in my life about these same issues that I discuss with Gem, but those discussions were either with folks older than myself or with my peers. For the first time I find myself in the position of "Elder". I am the one who has more experience. I am the one who has found (for the most part) my path. I am, in a sense, the teacher. It is strange to realise that I am more of a grown up than I had thought. I still have so many questions and so many things I want to learn. I often forget that I am not a child myself. I still think to myself "When I grow up...". Maybe I will still be saying that when I am an old woman in a wheelchair. And yet I feel a strange confidence when Gem comes to me with questions. She is seeking for answers that I have already found for myself, and I know enough to help her find her own answers.

I guess we are both growing up together. Strange, isn't it?

Burnout

So It is official. I can't stand my job.

I go through this periodically. I have read that it is because I put a lot of myself in my work and care too much. I don't know if that is true. I just know that I am sick and tired of working somewhere where I really don't make a difference. I don't do anything really worth while for my guys at my job.

Let me explain, cuz I am feeling the need.

I once had the perfect job. Really. It was the hardest, most physically and emotionally demanding job I have ever worked at, but it was perfect. P.E.R.F.E.C.T. Every day, I knew that no matter how hard I worked or how badly things went, I had accomplished something wonderful.

I made sure someone had a hot meal who otherwise may have resorted to cold cereal or a sandwich or (heaven forbid) gone hungry. I made someone smile. I gave someone the opportunity to socialize. I listened to someone talk who maybe didn't get that very often. I made sure someone was warm when it was cold outside. I helped someone bathe who couldn't do it on their own. I took someone to a Dr. appt that they needed. I showed someone I cared. I checked up on them, loved them, made them my family.

I don't have that anymore. The time came when the need for the almighty $$ overcame my desire to be a part of something so unconditionally worth while. Really, I can't regret it. We were in a situation where there really wasn't a choice. Unfortunately, it meant leaving what I loved and taking a position where I am a glorified maid.

I am not saying that my current job is BAD. I just never get the same feeling from it that I used to get from my old job. I don't do anything to make my clients' lives better. I just keep them clean and alive. They aren't really benefited by my presence at all. Anyone could do what I do. Well, except for Ms. Pain in My Ass, Minnie, or the New Staff. Other than that, anyone really could clean and cook for these guys and manage to handle them for an hour in the morning. The guys don't care who it is. The guys don't get any more enjoyment out of life because of me. They are not necessarily safer because of me.

I hate it.

I mean, I really REALLY hate it.

So I have been bugging Mr. Barefoot to let me quit. I know he won't (not that he really could stop me if I just decided not to work), but I have been working on him all the same. What I want is to be a SAHM, at least until Little Sprout starts school. Then I figure I can go back to work where I like to work when the need for daycare is over. Of course, Mr. Barefoot would never agree. That means I am stuck where I am at for the foreseeable future.

And I am not happy about it.

Plan B (at least in my mind) is for us to do our best to live on Mr. Barefoot's salary alone. We could do it, theoretically. That way, we could use my check for extra house payments and such in the hopes of becoming 100% debt free that much sooner. I don't think Mr. Barefoot would be really keen on that one, either, but I am hoping to convince him.

Anyway. There isn't really a solution to this problem that I can find. I just wanted to rant for a bit, I guess. Thanks for listening.....

The Freedom to Shut Up

I am all for Freedom of Religion, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I think people get confused between the right to practice their religion and the right to be obnoxious about their religion.

Here is what has set me off this time....

You all know that I work 2 jobs. At Job #1 we have a new staff who is "Born Again". She carries her bible with her to work, and sits and reads it at odd moments throughout the shift. That is all good and well.

The issue comes in when she wants to testify to me. I mean, I am at work. I don't have the time to sit and listen to her rhapsodize about how wonderful her life is since she accepted Jesus. And when she goes on her hour long lectures about how praying will fix everything wrong in my life? Yeah, do I wanna discuss that at work? Not really. My personal life is just that, PERSONAL. And, really, I figure the Creative Force of the Universe has more important things to think about than whether or not I smoke or need to lose a few pounds. There are starving kids all over the world, child abuse is a horrid reality, we have a Climate Crisis on our hands....the list of things more important than my dress size is endless.

At Job #2, I have the exact opposite problem. There I work with a woman who takes belief in magic way into the Flaky Side. The woman is always asking me (in front of a 97 yr old devout Lutheran) if I believe in Magic, in Fairies, in Reincarnation. Then she goes on these long, rambling monologues about her experiences in the metaphysical world and how I need to get in touch with the Wonder Of Magic to enrich my life. The worst part of it is the dreamy "I~took~one~too~many~hits~of~acid~back~in~the~day" way she talks about it. I swear she is still seeing trails. And while she is off on her little 60's flashback where all is rosy and light if you just get in tune, our client is getting progressively more agitated. And personally? I don't care what you believe in.....anything that makes EVERYTHING rosy and wonderful has got to be illegal or bad for you.

Goodness Gracious.

Is my life so obviously horrible that these women feel the need to shove their beliefs down my throat in an effort to "fix" me?

I swear this behavior brings out the worst in me. I want to be truly cruel to each of them, just for fun. I don't know, maybe I could show up at Job #1 impersonating the staff at Job #2 and vice versa. Maybe then these women would leave me alone.

Interesting People

Well, I think I have mentioned that Big Sprout has been making friends. It is strangely different from when she was making friends at the apt. I used to get so angry when she would invite kids over to our apt. I didn't want to be responsible for another kid during the day when I was supposed to be sleeping, and having extra kids around always seemed like such a bother.

Now things are really different. The neighbor kids come to the door to see if Big Sprout can play and off they all run to do whatever. They are bouncing between our house, the neighbors', and a house one block back from ours. The kids play in the yard or in the basement family room, and never really seem to get in my way. I love it! It reminds me of when I was a kid, and the neighborhood kids were always knocking on someone's door to ask if they could come out and play. I am just really surprised at how different it is. I figured I was just one of those "boring" moms who didn't like a lot of kids around. Turns out I just don't want them around an apt.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

We have some new staff at work. Ummm....yeah. What a joke. I mean, seriously. One staff speaks very loudly in a very thick african accent, and I can't understand a thing she says. She seems able to do her work, she just can't communicate worth a darn.

Then there is the new gal who works opposite me. She is a lot of fun, but tries to be all tough when she obviously isn't. She already hates Big Boss Lady, which (though I agree with her) does not bode well for the longevity of her position with us. She is also a loudmouth and gets really upset over petty little things. Since working where I do is mostly about dealing with petty annoyances, I figure she won't last very long at all.

Then there is the NEW new girl. Oh, My, Gosh. She has already T'd off everyone she has worked with (and she hasn't even worked 30 hours yet!) and set off several "incidents" with our clients because she doesn't believe us that there are certain ways that you have to do things for folks so incredibly dependent on routine. She is convinced that (though she has never worked in a direct care field) she knows better than those of us who have been there for years what the guys need.

Uh~huh.

Ah, well....she will learn or leave. It is just frustrating to have to clean up her messes day after day until she chooses which it will be. And it is downright infuriating to be questioned in a snotty, superior attitude by someone who has no idea what it is to deal with autism, OCD, etc. I just wanna shove a dirty sock in her mouth and tie her up in the corner. Maybe I will the next time she ignores my direction and sets off a fit from one of the guys.

Anyway, gotta go....Little Sprout is demanding food.

Oh, I Forgot the Best Part!

Yesterday, I talked about how bright Minnie is. I forgot the best part.....

The next day, I arrived at work to find basically the same situation. No windows open, no fans on, and all the windows closed up. The staff was dripping sweat. Only difference this time?

The staff of duty was MY BOSS, who informed me that despite the fact that once again it was over 90 degrees in the house, the A/C must be working because the maintenance man came and said it was fixed......

Yup. I work with really smart folks. That's SMART. S~M~R~T, smart.

Sometimes I Can't Help But Feel Superior.

I was raised to believe that humility was a virtue, that those who "toot their own horn" are compensating for something. I also have been taught not to judge others and that everyone has some value. Still, there are times when folks display such obvious symptoms of Acute Chronic Stupidity that I can't help but wonder how in the world they manage to function well enough to make it through every day life.

Example:

I arrived at work Sunday night to find that the inside of the house was several degrees warmer than the temps outside. Right away I looked at the thermostat and saw that, though it was set at 72, the temps in the house were hovering around 90 degrees.

When I asked Minnie (the staff on duty) what happened to the A/C, she began telling me about an alarm that went off in the house on Friday. Confused, I asked if the alarm had something to do with the A/C. Minnie didn't know, of course, but she assured me that the A/C must be working because there was condensation on the pipes in the basement.

Last time I checked, condensation was the result of the temps inside the pipes being cooler than the temp outside the pipe, with a little bit of humidity thrown in for good measure. Still, I didn't go to college (not that Minnie did, either) so I could be wrong.

Minnie went on to tell me that they had been really hot all weekend, but didn't know what to do about it.

At this point, I walked over and opened the only window in the house that actually has a screen, put the fan in front of it, and turned the fan on. Minnie's reaction to this little bit of genius?

"Oooooh, that feels gooooood. I never thought of that!"

Ummm, yeah.

Then I was treated to TWO HOURS of her discussing how the alarm downstairs (which turned out to be for the septic system) HAD to be the reason that the A/C wasn't working properly, and how she just KNEW that the A/C had been working because there was condensation on the pipes....oh, and there was probably condensation in the duct work and that must be stopping all the air from getting through.

Whatever.

Oh, Glorious Day!

I got to work with Sarge again! Oh, it was wonderful. Of course, the shift itself was tough since one of my clients decided to try to throw us around a bit (good luck with that, buddy), but I got to work with Sarge.

Oh, the joy!

Have you ever worked with someone that you just meshed with perfectly? Someone that you didn't need to discuss every move with, that you didn't need to tell what to do, someone that was able to see what needs doing and just does it?

That is Sarge.

I think a lot of our being able to work so well together is because we both have worked in a lot of situations that involve "tag teaming". We are able to read situations and support each other without getting in each other's way. That is so fabulous. Also, we both have the same views on our work and the best way to divide duties. That helps a lot, cuz I don't have to wonder what task she will take on next or if "her" jobs will get done. I can just concentrate on what I am doing and trust her.

Working with her made this morning so easy. I have been working alone in the mornings for the last couple of months, and it is a LOT of work for one person. It is a lot of work if you aren't working with the right person, too. But working with Sarge we had everything done a little early, which gave me time to fix a mistake I made in the middle of the night.

Oh, happy day.

I get to work with her again tonight, and I am so excited. All is right with my world once again. It was so hard working without her...well, without ANY help, but especially her. I was really beginning to hate my job. Now I can sit back and enjoy my happy routine.

Thinking Some Thoughts....

Today, I had a very difficult discussion with Mr. Barefoot. He wants me to cut back on work.

Strangely enough, I argued with him....I'm a dolt.

On the one hand, it is so nice that he is noticing how hard I am working and how tired I am. I really appreciate it, partly because I still haven't managed to kill the last little bits of the "Cinderella" dream every little girl is taught to keep close to her heart (you know...."someday I will meet a Prince who will take me away from all this and protect me" la dee da) and partly because it is just NICE to know that your partner in life cares if you are miserable. In a sense, his talking like this has given me "permission" to think about quitting some of my extra work without worrying that I will be letting him and the rest of the family down.

On the other hand, I hated every minute of it. I kind of felt like I was being scolded for doing the best I can to improve our financial situation. There is also the issue that it is so important to me that we become debt free. It just bothers me on a very deep level to owe anyone anything.

The conversation was also difficult because it takes a lot of mental tricks to work so much and spend the rest of your time taking care of your family. I survive by giving myself pep talks and convincing myself that I can do anything. I make it through the long hours by not thinking about it, just focusing on each moment as it comes and not thinking about what I give up.

It is really hard to do that when you have someone pointing out to you why your lifestyle isn't working well.

I also look at it this way: while I have "job security" in that there will always be people who need good caretakers, the three jobs I work themselves don't carry a lot of job security. The house that I work for may be closing, one of the women I care for privately is 97 (and you can't tell me that she will live forever), and the other woman I care for...well, I think she would be better served by attending a Day Center like where I used to work and I am actively trying to convince her to give it a shot (thereby putting myself out of a job). It makes sense, then, to continue with these jobs until they are no longer available, and just not find others to replace them.

Just to make things a little more complicated, I feel I have an obligation to my clients. Not so much my full time job (which, ironically is the one I would like to quit and the one that I really shouldn't), but to my one-on-one clients. Their families know me and trust me. My CLIENTS know me and trust me. Doing that kind of care work is a very personal thing. Imagine how hard it would be to find someone that you trust to go and take care of your grandmother in her own home. Of course there are the basic concerns like "is this person trustworthy" and "will they do a good job", but almost as important is the question of if your loved one will LIKE their caregiver. It is no fun to have someone that you don't like come into your home and spend several hours with you. Having a personal connection with your caregiver makes the hours go faster and more comfortably. How many of us would take a nap with a guest in the house? It is a lot more comfy to lay down when you know that a close friend or family member will have lunch ready for you when you wake, isn't it?

Anyway...I suppose this is just my rambling way to say that there may (or may not) be some major changes in my lifestyle coming up over the summer. Mr. Barefoot and I have decided we need to talk over our options and see what would work best for all concerned. The funny thing is that when I think of working less, I draw a blank in my mind. I am so busy going from task to task that the idea of free time has just disappeared from my mental vocabulary. It is almost as scary to think of NOT working this much as it is to think about HAVING to work this much always.

Hmmmmm.....

Happy Frickin' Weekend, Folks.

To start with, I would like to thank you all for showing so much interest in my latest job shenanigans. You were all so much more supportive (and entertaining) than Mr. Barefoot. Of course, I would probably bop him in the head if he came home and told me he had done something like that....but he only has ONE job. I have three, so if I screw one up it shouldn't be that big of a deal....right?

Anyway, despite the fact that Big Boss B*tch wrote two apologies, I have no faith that anything will change. That sounds so pessimistic, but I have been here before with her. She pushes and pushes until someone takes her down a peg (usually me or the Sarge, as we are the only ones who care about our pride more than the job). Then she makes a big deal about apologising and kisses some serious backside for a couple of weeks. The novelty of that wears off pretty quickly, though, and she is soon back to her old tricks.

I do have to say that she leaves me (and the Sarge) alone for the most part because she knows that she can't get away with it. I am sure the only reason she got so catty was because I was going to be gone for two weeks and she didn't think that I would find out about it.

Silly girl.

I suppose I am lucky that she has such a weak personality. Any other boss wouldn't put up with me talking back like that....but then a stronger person wouldn't feel the need to be all high school gossipy and snotty, now would they.

In other work related news, the Sarge has put in her notice and is leaving me in that pit of incompetence all by my lonesome. She has found a fabulous new job that she is very excited to start, and I AM happy for her. Really I am. I'm just going to miss her terribly. I have never met anyone easier to work with, more fun to chat with, and with a better work ethic. My line of work attracts a lot of idiots, so it is really wonderful when you find someone who is not only good at it, but that you click with as well.

It SUCKS that the Sarge is leaving.



Anyway....

Mr. Barefoot is (once again) gone for the weekend. I am just a little ticked that he is going to be gone again so soon after coming home from CA. Not only that, but he is driving nearly two hours to go to a gig that will pay just enough to pay for the gas and his hotel...maybe a meal or two. That means that he will probably lose money on this gig, when I am busting my chops to save money and bring more in.

Jerk.

He did try to let me sleep this morning, since we figure Little Sprout is going to freak out when she realises that he isn't coming home tonight, but it didn't work. We are going to look at the fixer-upper house on Sunday, and I am too excited to sleep.

I keep reminding myself that the house could be in terrible shape, that it might be no good for us. It works for keeping the excitement at bay during the day, but when I close my eyes it is a whole other story. I keep imagining how lovely I could make the yard, how glorious the hardwood floors could look all refinished. I imagine the old style trim around the gorgeous stained glass and leaded windows. I mentally furnish each room, and imagine what colors I would choose for the walls.

I've got it bad for this one, folks. Rational thought has nothing to do with this. It is all from the heart.


In other news, I get to spend all day tomorrow at the hospital. The woman I care for on Saturdays fell, and her family still wants us all to spend time with her while she is in the hospital.

Fun, fun. I am not so much looking forward to this day. I think it will be really tough to sit there and keep her from deciding to up and leave.

Ah, well...it's best for her, and that's what counts.

So, I am off to "enjoy" my working weekend with no Mr. Barefoot to help out. I sincerely hope you all enjoy your weekend and your Memorial Day celebrations....think of me while you are all partying and stuff, cuz I will be at work. :-(

Curses! Foiled Again

My boss actually made both a private and a public apology. In writing.

Dammit.

Here I got all excited that I was going to have her fire me and then I could prove to Mr. Barefoot that I really don't have to work so much for us to be happy. I was all prepared for unemployment (well, less employment), and I have been disappointed yet again.

You're Fired!

Well, I went back to my overnight job last night. Within moments of arriving, I found that my boss had done some fairly petty and childish things while I was gone, and aimed them at me.

I took offense. First off, I don't like what she has said. Second, I don't like the fact that she waited till I was on vacation to do these things so that I couldn't even defend myself or respond to her comments and actions. Third, I am quickly coming to hate the job because of her.

So I did what I do best. I wrote her a letter basically telling her that I thought she needed to pull her head out of her ass and deal with the issues at hand, rather than trying to make herself feel special by pulling such unprofessional little tricks.

So, I may be fired when she finally gets it, which will be later today.

God I hope so. I may regret it later, but right now I am so sick of killing myself for that job and not getting anywhere. I am sick of dealing with all the crap the boss dishes out and her inability to be a BOSS. I am also sick to death of working so damn much that I don't have time to actually enjoy my life. I am tired, period.

This may not have been the smartest move, but at least I have my pride intact. I am quickly coming to believe that my pride and my health are worth much more than keeping some stupid job where I am not doing any good anyway and will never get any recognition for all I do.

Big Boss Lady

This may sound sexist, but I don't think women should be bosses. Every one I have had has been a dismal failure, and the one I have now is the absolute worst of the lot.

First off, I don't think she has even the slightest idea what professionalism means. Since the first day I started working with her, she has spent hours of company time complaining to me about other staff. I have no doubt she talks to other staff about me, as well. This is one of our (all the staff's) major problems with her. I wouldn't be upset if she complained about us to her boss or the other house managers, but to complain about staff A to staff B is just wrong. It puts us in a pretty awkward position, let me tell you.

This leads into my second complaint, which is that she has never in all the time I have worked there actually confronted a staff about their poor performance. She will discuss it with everyone in the house BUT the person she is unhappy with.

One time I had heard from just about everyone how she was unhappy with me over something, so I came into work early to talk to her. I pulled her into the office and explained that since I had heard rumors to the effect that she was angry with me, I thought I should talk to her and find out what the issue was.

SHE FLAT OUT DENIED ever saying anything about me to other staff, and even went so far as to assure me that she had much more respect for me than to talk about me behind my back. Needless to say, she dropped right off the scale on my Respect-O-Meter when she said that. Especially since I had been listening to her complain about other staff to me for about 1 1/2 years at that point.

I actually laugh at her, because one of the things she harps on CONSTANTLY is how she hates the rumor mill and wishes we would all talk about work related matters only. The funny part is that she is usually the one who is starting and spreading rumors. She seems to take great delight in nosing into every one's personal business and then passing judgement on it.

She is also horribly inconsistent. The Sarge and I actually implemented a setup for "minutes" at meetings, because she changes her mind so often about how she wants things done around the house (and then denies she said any such thing) that we felt the need to have everything in writing so that we could defend ourselves when she got b*tchy about things not being done the way she wanted.

She chooses "scapegoats" that, in her mind, are the cause of all the troubles at our house and then makes their lives miserable until they quit. She has gotten rid of so many staff this way that I have lost count, yet she still keeps folks on staff that should have been sacked ages ago.

One particular staff, Ms. Pain In My Ass, has been there almost 10 years, and I haven't EVER seen her accomplish any work. There is another staff that we know sleeps all day on the weekend while the guys run wild in the house. Of course, some of the staff she has let go really needed to go, but some of them were just fine. They just made the mistake of getting on her bad side and not being tough enough to take it when she got catty.

Big Boss Lady seems to be completely ruled by her emotions. If she has a bad day, or for whatever reason, she will completely nit-pick at everything in the house trying to find fault with whoever has worked that day.

In case you couldn't tell by this post, to say I despise her would be an understatement. Quite frankly, even the sight of her makes me nauseous.

The REASON I am posting this now is that, once again, I have found myself in the position of being one of the folks she is presently picking on.

Last night I arrived at work to find that she had written a rather scathing remark about "night staff's performance" in the Communication Book. [For those of you who don't know, in direct care there is always some form of notebook that staff write notes to each other in. It usually is just little stuff about what happened during the day or notices of supplies that need purchasing or appointments that have been made.]

The part that makes me mad is that she saw me the morning before, and said nothing about concerns she may have had with my "performance". In fact, not more than 1 1/2 weeks ago she was telling me how well I am doing. In any case, I feel that it would have been much more appropriate for her to speak to me in person and in private about any concerns she might have. I don't appreciate finding a rebuke in such a public forum.

This was also an attack against the Sarge, which REALLY makes me mad. The Sarge has taken shifts with no notice when folks call in sick, worked 2-3 shifts in a row just to make sure they were covered when we were short staffed, taken on shopping for the boss, and done many other things to help Big Boss Lady out.

Besides, the Sarge is SCARY when she is mad!

I am not really too upset about this whole thing, to be honest, because I have no respect for Big Boss Lady and as a result could care less what her opinion of me is. I know I take impeccable care of my charges and that is all that matters to me.

Besides, this isn't the first time she has had me in her sights as the "next one to go", and she has never yet won the battle. Even if she wasn't too chicken-sh*t to fire ANYONE, she would have a very hard time firing me. I am just too good.

Does that sound conceited? Too bad, cuz it's true.

I also have quite a bit of protection since I work the overnights.She is too darn lazy to come in to work in the middle of the night just to make me unhappy, and she can't do it long distance since I really don't care one wit about what she says.

Still, last night I was hopping mad and ready to just walk off the job. I am not much of a game player, and I really don't like this kind of game anyway. It is just too much work for little to no gain, in my mind. However, I have calmed down enough to find amusement in her snarky little comments.

I just wish I could document all this and report her to her supervisor. That won't work, though, since her supervisor is also her BFF of many years and the company REALLY frowns on going too far over your bosses head. They don't like to be bothered at the higher level with the troubles of the individual houses.

I can't wait until I CAN quit, though, because there will be a letter sent to the CEO that will make this look like a nursery rhyme.