A season for change

I have never been a tidy person. Somehow, it was a comfort to me to have all my things out and piled in a "nest" around me. Naturally, as I got older I acquired new and bigger stuff. So the nest got bigger...and bigger.....AND BIGGER. Over the years I have gone through periods when I swore up and down that my messiness was at an end. I was going to change, I was going to keep things clean and neat and no longer live in a home that I was ashamed to have people see. The only problem was, I wasn't willing to put in the work on a daily basis. I think, however, that without any plan from me something has shifted in my psyche and this may be the time when I actually do make that change in my lifestyle. I awoke one morning last week and the sight of all my clutter literally disgusted me. I am sure part of it is the season, part is the changes happening in my life, and part is that "nesting" instinct we hear about prego women feeling. I figured at the time I would go with the flow, clean for a day or two, and the urge would go away. To my surprise it has gotten stronger every day! I have dumped hundreds of pounds of clutter this past week, and I feel great! I never realized how much all that stuff was weighing me down.

I never realized the emotional impact that living a messy life could have. I have struggled with social anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. It is a miserable existence to be terrified to go to the bank or answer your phone. I always felt life was so out of control, and I was about to drown. Since purging all this stuff, though, I find that I feel much more able to handle the things I have to do. For 2 days now, I have had to go deal with the County Family Services people regarding all the paper work that they so love to hand out. Normally I would have found a way to make DH do it, because the thought of going in and talking to strangers would have had me on my knees in the bathroom for hours. Yet because it was in my daily plan and I had already bolstered my self-esteem with the accomplishments of the day, I was able to walk into the county offices and actually take care of what I needed to do. Not that I wasn't shaking like a leaf the whole time, but I did it! I know it sounds silly to be so proud of such a little accomplishment. After all, most people do stuff like that every day. But to me this is a day of independence from my fear, a victory that I wasn't sure I would ever win.