And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. ~ Kahlil Gibran

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

My brain hurts

DD has been killing me. She has been asking me lately to quit my job so I can go back to a day shift and spend more time with her. She has been very articulate about the exact things that bother her. It is just breaking my heart. Financially right now I can't be a stay at home mom. I switched to overnight work due to the horrible cost of daycare (that I was never really happy with anyway), thinking that this would be so much better for the family. Now it seems all I get is feedback from everyone that they don't like it. DH misses me, DD misses me, SD takes advantage of my sleeping time to break all the rules, and I am worn to the bone from going 3-5 days each week on no more than 4 hrs sleep a night. I between the proverbial rock and hard place. The Grand Master Plan calls for me to work full time until we are debt free and own a home. Now I am second-guessing the Plan. Is it worth it for all of us to be unhappy now in the hopes of things being better in the future? One part of me says yes. This part of me maintains that I am a good mother and wife, that sacrificing a little happiness now will yield greater happiness in a few years and make it all worth while. The other part of me says that there is no guarantee there will be another tomorrow. That even if there is another tomorrow, there is no guarantee that the plan will work and I will ever be able to quit and have my little homestead. If this is the case, shouldn't I just do whatever it takes to make my family happy now? Argh!!! I know there has to be a compromise around here somewhere, a path I can't quite see yet that will make everyone happier and yet still be on the path to my dream. I just can't see it. I guess that is my biggest personal flaw. I see lots of extremes, but I am not really good at living in moderation. So I am going to keep looking at this from every angle I can and try to find the way.

Okay, as I post this the song "Cat's in the Cradle" starts playing on my random mix. Is it a sign? How appropriate that a song about a father missing out on his childs life due to devoting too much time to work would come on just as I am pondering the same dilemma. I am not going to say for sure that someone is trying to tell me something, but it does plant the thought in my mind.


e4 said...

That is a tough spot. Really.

Can you enlist the family to look for creative solutions? Complaining isn't helping anybody, so maybe all of you can brainstorm. Find a way to cut expenses or rearrange schedules or ... I don't know.

A certain amount of sacrifice is part of being a parent, but if it's too much, it starts affecting your ability to be a good parent.

Keep looking for a good path, and good luck.

barefoot gardener said...

Thanks for the well wishing. I have been talking to the gals at work, and one is willing to switch sleep hours for awake hours, but only during the school year. It pays a little less to sleep, but I would be able be more awake during the day for DD. I am still looking for the "perfect" answer, but so far this is my best bet.

the Contrary Goddess said...

Well, I can tell you that being debt free and owning a home outright is pretty darned good and a goal well worth working toward.

best to you