Sometimes, I wake up and realise that I have wandered off the path. I can see where I want to be, but it is so far off. There is a wilderness of dangers between here and there, and I doubt my courage. I doubt my strength. I wonder if it is even worth it to fight my way back.
I know that here is a bad place. It is scary, and dark. I know that I will not be able to survive here very long. But here is, in a way, easy. This is where I am pulled, as if by a magnetic force. Every time I stop fighting to stay there, I somehow slide over to here. Or maybe here sneaks up and surrounds me when I stop chasing after there. I haven't actually watched the transition happen, so I am not quite sure what happens when I am not looking.
Here doesn't take any effort, because nothing matters here. Here steals your loves, your hates, your passions. Here steals your desires, your fears, dreams. Yet it gives one amazing gift. Nothingness. Numbness. Apathy.
Over there, things matter. Over there, I care. Over there, I work hard. I work hard, not just at the things that matter when I am there, but also at just staying there. When I am there, I worry about doing right, about doing my best, about making things work. Over there I plan for the future, I dream beautiful dreams, I suffer crushing disappointments. There is where people live.
I don't think that there is my place. If I was meant to be there - where things are beautiful and ugly and loud and quiet and soft and rough - rather than here - where everything is muffled and grey - I don't believe it would be so hard to stay there. I think maybe there doesn't want me. Here does. Here follows me, embraces me, even stalks me in a totally creepy way.
I know the way back. I am even pretty sure I have the strength to get there. It just seems like so much work to get there, only to have to fight to stay there. Wouldn't it be smarter to stay here? It seems like such a futile effort to keep fighting to be there, only to be constantly pulled back here.
I am planning one more escape from here. I know it is what I am supposed to do. Maybe somewhere along the way, I will find some enthusiasm for the journey, but right now I am looking at the long road ahead of me with nothing stronger than resignation. I don't see the point. I have lost faith that I will ever be able to stay there, so all the effort I am planning on putting into getting there seems like a big waste.
I am going to try.