And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. ~ Kahlil Gibran

Friday, January 11, 2008


I had one last night. I just couldn't find something I was looking for, and the next thing I knew I was WAY out of control. Crying, freaking out, shaking, the whole bit.

I hate when that happens.

I sometimes (okay, just about constantly) debate with myself over the cause of my depression. On the one hand, I believe that good nutrition, exercise, a positive attitude, making fulfilling choices,and lots of self discipline should theoretically eliminate most if not all depression.

On the other hand, if your brain is out of whack then you need to balance that with meds to remedy the problem.

It is difficult.

I wonder if my depression is just a lack of self control. I wonder if the meds really do me any good (even though I know I am stronger when I take them). I wonder if I am just lazy and impulsive, and that is why I am unhappy.

And then something like last night happens. It was so sudden, so uncontrollable. It was just this huge wave of panic and frustration and self-anger and fear.

The worst part is that it just went away after a little while. THAT really convinces me that I am crazy. For something so overwhelming to just "poof" away like that? I am nuts.

Maybe I should just learn to enjoy my craziness, rather than fight to be normal.


Lisa said...

I feel you pain! Once, after my second (and last) was born, my hairbrush went missing and I LOST it! My self control, not the brush. I just wanted ONE THING that was mine, not shared, not given up because I needed a baby something instead, MINE.

Keep taking the meds, but maybe you should visit the doctor and report this new *symptom.* Maybe the is an adjustment to be made to your prescription.

And don't forget. If moms weren't a little bit crazy, we wouldn't have children or understand them! Craziness lets us know that our children are normal!

Bitterbetty said...

just sent an email... ignore it if you want, but know i can relate!

barefoot gardener said...

Yeah, I am so not looking forward to the teen years. I suppose I should enjoy the fact that mine are still pretty young and the step-teens are out, huh?

I will be talking to the doc in a couple of weeks, so we will see how things go between now and then.

Return email sent

Kati said...

(((((HUGS))))) I hope you're feeling considerably better today. I have no advice, no wisdom to impart. Just (((((HUGS))))) and a hope for a better day today.

barefoot gardener said...

So far, not too bad. Gave my mom a start when she read my blog (gotta remember to censor a bit for the parental readers). Thanks for the hugs, they were all warm and cozy:)