I am questioning myself.
With the start of a new growing season, I have experienced an awakening in myself. A renewed interest in life, in the future, in things that I feel are important and care about.
I am dissatisfied with myself.
It is a new season, and I am no closer to my goals than I was last year at this time. It's disgusting. It makes me wonder if what I THINK I want and what I REALLY want are the same thing.
Example: What I think I want is...
Land. A lot of land that I can leave mostly natural but tweak a little here and there. As in naturalizing raspberries, blackberries, strawberries, hazlenuts, etc. both for wildlife and my own harvest. A large garden. A small off-grid home. Not having to work. Homecooked, wholesome meals. Long walks in the woods. Living without the TV. Raising my children in a way that they learn to value the earth and the cycles of life. The security of knowing that come what may, I can provide the necessities of life for myself and those I love.
Yet I still occasionally serve meals on paper plates. I have not moved any closer, financially, to being able to afford to own property. There is a TV in almost every room of my apt. I don't recycle half as much as I should. I drive 20 miles to work every day. My garden hasn't even started to be planted yet. I still haven't learned to bake bread. I still smoke. So maybe what I want is the rat-race, after all.
So I make new resolutions. Not at the beginning of the calendar year, but at the beginning of the growing year. A time when all things shout out their hope for the future by growing, making babies, and bursting to life. And I remind myself it is all in the baby-steps. Life changes don't happen overnight. It is a slow process of doing the right thing every day, every chance you get. Of learning from your mistakes. Of remembering what is important.