And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. ~ Kahlil Gibran

Friday, April 20, 2007


I am questioning myself.

With the start of a new growing season, I have experienced an awakening in myself. A renewed interest in life, in the future, in things that I feel are important and care about.

I am dissatisfied with myself.

It is a new season, and I am no closer to my goals than I was last year at this time. It's disgusting. It makes me wonder if what I THINK I want and what I REALLY want are the same thing.

Example: What I think I want is...
Land. A lot of land that I can leave mostly natural but tweak a little here and there. As in naturalizing raspberries, blackberries, strawberries, hazlenuts, etc. both for wildlife and my own harvest. A large garden. A small off-grid home. Not having to work. Homecooked, wholesome meals. Long walks in the woods. Living without the TV. Raising my children in a way that they learn to value the earth and the cycles of life. The security of knowing that come what may, I can provide the necessities of life for myself and those I love.

Yet I still occasionally serve meals on paper plates. I have not moved any closer, financially, to being able to afford to own property. There is a TV in almost every room of my apt. I don't recycle half as much as I should. I drive 20 miles to work every day. My garden hasn't even started to be planted yet. I still haven't learned to bake bread. I still smoke. So maybe what I want is the rat-race, after all.

Not really.

So I make new resolutions. Not at the beginning of the calendar year, but at the beginning of the growing year. A time when all things shout out their hope for the future by growing, making babies, and bursting to life. And I remind myself it is all in the baby-steps. Life changes don't happen overnight. It is a slow process of doing the right thing every day, every chance you get. Of learning from your mistakes. Of remembering what is important.


Deb said...

It sounds like we want pretty much the same things! Like you said, it doesn't all happen overnight, it happens in the little decisions you make every day.

By the way, we use paper plates exclusively, a fact that torments my better senses to no end. But without hot running water, a sink and a drain yet, it takes too much of my time in the evening. There are so many tradeoffs!

barefoot gardener said...

At least you have an excuse! I even have a dishwasher and I can't always be bothered. Oh, the self-loathing!