So today I go back to work after a week off. I should be sleeping now, as my shifts are all overnighters. I am not ready. I suppose it is just a combination of being prego and burnout, but I can't afford to be burnt out right now. I need to work. I have plans that require $$$ so I can get set up and NEVER HAVE TO WORK A JOB AGAIN!!! I know, everyone dreams about it, and so few attain it. I know the problem is that I am always drawn to work that is physically and emotionally draining. It is also thankless. Burnout is just a part of that unless you are one of those people (obviously not me) who can totally divorce yourself from the difficulties of your job and see it either as a $$$ source or only see the good you accomplish. I know a few who can do it. Lucky folks. I get frustrated too easily, the result of being strongly opinionated without the benefit of having the power to make decisions for change. I am afraid that I will burn out completely and land myself back in the hospital (long story, but it HAS happened). I thought I was doing myself proud by asking for time off before I got to that point, but one week is not enough.
In good news, DH has agreed that once we are out of debt and own a place, I can quit work to focus on sustainable living. I know that according to our plan (and the setback financially of having baby on the way) this will take probably 4 years. Yeah, the hole is deep. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And it renews my commitment to do what I can to live now in the manner I want to live in the future. I am not saying I don't want to work at all, I think I would like working if it wasn't full time and I could choose where I worked. My dream would be to go back to the Adult Day Center I used to work at, but only part time. I loved working there and it was the most fulfilling job I have ever had. It just pays so little as to be a hobby rather than a job. But for today it is back to work for me whether I like it or not. Only 4 more years, barring craziness. I can do it, right?
I am struggling within myself. I have been reading some very good blogs, and am in awe of how well informed and politically active many people in the country are. I had stopped watching the news or paying any attention to the gov't years ago, because it was all so depressing, and nothing ever seemed to get accomplished. You know, the same old gripes. The news is biased and all about crime, never happy things. The gov't will be trying to pass this or that bill that gets vetoed or buried. The farthest they seem to go is to pass a bill to law and then change it back when the next admin. comes in. So I quit. But after reading some of the very informative blogs and doing a little looking around on my own, I began thinking more the way I did in HS. You know, you can't complain unless you are involved, "if you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem", all that. So I spent a week trying, really trying, to get myself more informed and figure out what has been going on in the world while I was "away". I found it just as miserable as before. So what is a girl to do?