And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. ~ Kahlil Gibran

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Finding Peace

It seems that I no more than finish a task and it needs doing again. I sweep the floor, and after one meal Little Sprout has spilled enough that it needs sweeping and mopping again. I wash the dishes, and as I am setting the last pan in the drying rack someone is coming into the kitchen to make themselves a snack. I finish the laundry, feeling great joy that I have finally conquered the mountain of dirty clothes, only to find that Big Sprout has another load (or more) stuffed under her bed and in the corners of her room. I no more than finish making a meal before I have to start thinking about what I will make for the next meal.

I am trying to be calm about it. I know that housework is never done, and that I need to learn to take joy in the doing of the chores, rather than the finishing of them. But it is hard. I want to go to sleep without first running through the endless list of chores that still need doing in my head. I want to wake and be able to make my way to the kitchen without having to step over toys and blankets and shoes left wherever they may fall. I want things to stay where I put them....

just once.

I am losing patience with the Sprouts, as well. It is so frustrating to clean a room, move on to the next, and return to the first only to find that they have managed to make a huge mess out of the first room.

It doesn't help that Mr. Barefoot has been busy with the band. He just got home from CA, and already he is not coming home for supper because the band needs him to rehearse, or to pack for a gig, or to play a gig. I think I do a damn good job of being a 'band wife' and not complaining about it, but today I don't care about being a good band wife. It sucks to not have your hubby around. It sucks to have him out pursuing a dream of becoming a rock star while I am home cleaning up after kids and cat. It sucks to know that nothing is going to change.

I want to be one of those women who is calm and strong in that secret way only women have. I want to be stoic in the face of my husband's absence and a hard worker. I want to have that quiet strength that has carried women through hardships since the dawn of time.

I am finding myself lacking.

So, I breathe. I remind myself that life will go on, and that I am doing good with what I can. I sweep the floor one more time, put in another load of laundry, wipe the dust from one more shelf. There is a kind of peace that comes from knowing that I can keep on doing what needs to be done, no matter how hard it is. It makes me feel strong to push beyond my anger and frustration and continue to provide the home, meals, and support needed by my family.

And someday, maybe, it will be my turn. My turn to follow a dream, my turn to have things done for me, my turn to be taken care turn to matter.

But I won't hold my breath


Anonymous said...

Of course your time will come. And you ARE strong. The fact that you're complaining but still doing is evidence of that. I haven't met a strong woman yet who didn't wish some things in her life were different/better. Never-ending cleaning is part of the "Deal" you get when you choose to be a parent. It's part of the Deal that as you go around cleaning your house, your house will mess up right behind you, every step of the way. It's part of the Deal that when you thought you'd finished a task, someone will remind you in one way or another that the task is, in fact, NOT finished. It's part of the Deal that your hubby gets to "pursue his dream" and you're "stuck" at home with the kids and the cleaning. And every single part of that Deal is part of the VERY BIG DEAL of being a Woman. No matter how civilized, progressive, equal, etc. we become, we Women - by our very nature - put our family and our homes first. Even if we are fortunate to have a husband who treats us as a complete equal, because we are women, we will ALWAYS feel it necessary to clean and nurture and comfort and provide. Be proud of you are, BG. You are a Really Big Deal. And smart. And strong.

barefoot gardener said...

Thank you, Anonymous, for reminding me to be proud of who I am and what I do.

The Rambling Taoist said...

I know how you feel!! At my house, the roles are reversed. Because of my Asperger's Syndrome, I'm the home manager and it's my wife who is the breadwinner and the one with a social calendar.

While we have no children, we have a barn load of animals (3 cats and 2 BIG dogs). They constantly make messes and I'm the one cleaning them up. I handle most of the laundry, house cleaning (made worse because both my wife & I are cluttered individuals), yard work and dishes. It's a never-ending process. As soon as one task is completed, there are 50 zillion more to start.

Every now and then, I get a bit depressed because all I do is go in circles. That's my day-to-day existence. It doesn't last long though because I, unfortunately, like boring patterns and routines. I know in my heart of hearts that I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I didn't have all these routinized things to do.