I always swore I would never "grow up". As a child, it seemed to me that growing up involved having all the fun and life sucked right out of your body. I saw Grown-ups as folks who had given up on excitement and anticipation; who had given up their dreams and settled for "the best I can get".
I vowed to never be that way.
Unfortunately, I now see how folks get to be Grown-ups, and I am afraid I am turning into one.
Over the years, I have laid aside so many dreams and been disappointed by so many things....it seems I am doomed to become one of the Living Zombies of the Realm of Old.
As a child I vowed to never lose faith in people. Yet as I grow older and meet more people, I am horrified by the selfish laziness (just about every failing falls under one or the other) that is NORMAL. I swore that I would never give up on the basic goodness of mankind, or the intelligence of my fellow humans. Unfortunately, I have seen mostly willful ignorance and absent-minded cruelty from the folks I have met.
I am losing faith.
I dreamed so many dreams as a child, dreams of who I would become and things I would accomplish. I dreamed of experiences I would have. And I am having to settle for "the best I can get".
Now don't get me wrong. I still believe that there are some intelligent and lovely people out there in the world. It's just that there are so many MORE hateful idiots. And I know that as you get older dreams are SUPPOSED to change. After all, I would be really busy if I was a marine biologist/archaeologist/detective/astronaut/ etc all at the same time. But it seems that rather than having my dreams change, they are being lost.
It's just that I am losing the joy. I am finding that, as I get older, I do more shaking of my head at the optimism and hope of the young (and young at heart). I haven't reached the point of trying to take it away from them, and hope I never do, but I feel a horrible sense of "just wait 'till you see that the world is not what you would want it to be".
I know that in a week or three I will be filled with renewed determination to make a difference, even if it is only in my own little life in my own little corner of the Universe. I am just in mourning for all the things that are not, and will never be, what I had dreamed they would be.
Boy, ain't I just a downer today?