I always swore I would never "grow up". As a child, it seemed to me that growing up involved having all the fun and life sucked right out of your body. I saw Grown-ups as folks who had given up on excitement and anticipation; who had given up their dreams and settled for "the best I can get".I vowed to never be that way.
Unfortunately, I now see how folks get to be Grown-ups, and I am afraid I am turning into one.
Over the years, I have laid aside so many dreams and been disappointed by so many things....it seems I am doomed to become one of the Living Zombies of the Realm of Old.
As a child I vowed to never lose faith in people. Yet as I grow older and meet more people, I am horrified by the selfish laziness (just about every failing falls under one or the other) that is NORMAL. I swore that I would never give up on the basic goodness of mankind, or the intelligence of my fellow humans. Unfortunately, I have seen mostly willful ignorance and absent-minded cruelty from the folks I have met.
I am losing faith.
I dreamed so many dreams as a child, dreams of who I would become and things I would accomplish. I dreamed of experiences I would have. And I am having to settle for "the best I can get".
Now don't get me wrong. I still believe that there are some intelligent and lovely people out there in the world. It's just that there are so many MORE hateful idiots. And I know that as you get older dreams are SUPPOSED to change. After all, I would be really busy if I was a marine biologist/archaeologist/detective/astronaut/ etc all at the same time. But it seems that rather than having my dreams change, they are being lost.
It's just that I am losing the joy. I am finding that, as I get older, I do more shaking of my head at the optimism and hope of the young (and young at heart). I haven't reached the point of trying to take it away from them, and hope I never do, but I feel a horrible sense of "just wait 'till you see that the world is not what you would want it to be".
I know that in a week or three I will be filled with renewed determination to make a difference, even if it is only in my own little life in my own little corner of the Universe. I am just in mourning for all the things that are not, and will never be, what I had dreamed they would be.
Boy, ain't I just a downer today?
3 comments:
Sounds like I am going to have to come over there and slather some of my juvenile enthusiasm all over you! We could go out and ride on the backs of the shopping carts, blow bubbles in our hot chocolate with straws, and make fun of all the mean-looking people who don't realize what a beautiful day it is!
Now, aren't I just a ray of f*ckin' sunshine?? Want to join me, Sunshine?
*giggle*
Thanks, Lisa! You gotta promise that we can climb trees and ride our bikes up to the corner store for penny-candy, too, though.
You ride the bike (hurts my crotch!) and I'll use my roller-skates if I can still find the key! And at the corner store, I want a cherry popsicle and some Pop-Rocks!
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