I have waited and waited and WAITED to write this post. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't just letting my depression color my thoughts and put me in a funk. So here I am, fully medicated, completely sane, to let you know that I am Sick and Tired.
I don't suppose you could tell from the massive amount of negative posts I have been putting up here lately.
I am Sick and Tired of not making any headway on the goals that are important to me. Well, that isn't entirely true. I am now a homeowner, but that is about the only step I seem to have taken in the right direction.
When I was a single mom, I kept telling myself that I would be able to make greater strides towards my goals if I wasn't a single mom.
When I got married, I told myself that after the teens were out (and not racking up rehab and therapy bills) I would be able to do more in the areas that I felt were important.
When I was preggers and for the first year or so after Little Sprout was born, I told myself that as soon as things settled with the baby I would be able to move forward.
The reality is it isn't happening. And I am getting really mad.
I can't do it all on my own, but I am the one with these goals and dreams and I am the one who thinks they are important. I know that I can't expect anyone to follow my dreams for me, and I don't think I do. I just wish that following them didn't feel like such an uphill battle all the time.
Sometimes I think that I just whine too much. I think that if I just got on the ball, I could do it all. I would be able to have the house clean and well decorated, I would be able to keep up on the yard work and my garden, I would cook healthy/ local/ organic meals, I could get us completely debt free, build up something for retirement, and get our expenses down to a point where I could stay home (or have a job that I really LOVE instead of one I just get through). I even plan it out. If I gave up every minute I spend on the computer / reading / doing crafty stuff, and spent those moments working around the house, I could have so much more done. If I hijacked Mr. Barefoot's paycheck, and we gave up eating out (even at work), cable, smoking and soda, I would be able to pay off our outstanding bills that much faster and pay off the house early. If I could get home from work and actually get stuff done around the house without having to stop every 5 minutes to deal with Little Sprout or sleep while she is sleeping (we are down to an hour a day), the house could run so much smoother. If I just won the lottery....
Then I take a step back and realise that I just can't do all that without help. I have been trying (oh, gosh, have I been trying) for so long, and I just haven't made even a dent in the mountain of my hopes and plans. Not that Mr. Barefoot doesn't help out around the house. I know he is going to read this and think that I am saying he doesn't do anything. He does. It's just that there is so much that needs to be done to handle the day-to-day life around here, I don't get to accomplish the things that are technically extra but are very important to me.
So I am left feeling trapped with very few options. I COULD become a total, selfish, nasty b*tch and say: This is what I want, I am gonna get it, no matter what it takes. Deal. I don't really see myself doing that, though. Another option is for me to keep on going as I have been, hoping and dreaming, working my butt off and being constantly disappointed in where things are going. That just doesn't seem to be healthy. The last option that I can see is to just give up on the whole thing and coast. Oh, that doesn't sit well at all. I HATE that folks are addicted to acting like sheep, allowing the media and the 'Joneses' to dictate what they do with their lives, completely unmindful of their responsibility to do their best to make the right choices every day.
So I am cranky. I don't like any of the options available to me. I don't like feeling like I am struggling so hard for so little. I don't like feeling like I am alone in this. I HATE that I have to prove that my dissatisfaction is not a product of my depression.
Rant over, and I will do my best to be more positive from now on.