And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. ~ Kahlil Gibran

Sunday, November 16, 2008

It's Just Not Right

I have waited and waited and WAITED to write this post. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't just letting my depression color my thoughts and put me in a funk. So here I am, fully medicated, completely sane, to let you know that I am Sick and Tired.

I don't suppose you could tell from the massive amount of negative posts I have been putting up here lately.

I am Sick and Tired of not making any headway on the goals that are important to me. Well, that isn't entirely true. I am now a homeowner, but that is about the only step I seem to have taken in the right direction.

When I was a single mom, I kept telling myself that I would be able to make greater strides towards my goals if I wasn't a single mom.

When I got married, I told myself that after the teens were out (and not racking up rehab and therapy bills) I would be able to do more in the areas that I felt were important.

When I was preggers and for the first year or so after Little Sprout was born, I told myself that as soon as things settled with the baby I would be able to move forward.

The reality is it isn't happening. And I am getting really mad.

I can't do it all on my own, but I am the one with these goals and dreams and I am the one who thinks they are important. I know that I can't expect anyone to follow my dreams for me, and I don't think I do. I just wish that following them didn't feel like such an uphill battle all the time.

Sometimes I think that I just whine too much. I think that if I just got on the ball, I could do it all. I would be able to have the house clean and well decorated, I would be able to keep up on the yard work and my garden, I would cook healthy/ local/ organic meals, I could get us completely debt free, build up something for retirement, and get our expenses down to a point where I could stay home (or have a job that I really LOVE instead of one I just get through). I even plan it out. If I gave up every minute I spend on the computer / reading / doing crafty stuff, and spent those moments working around the house, I could have so much more done. If I hijacked Mr. Barefoot's paycheck, and we gave up eating out (even at work), cable, smoking and soda, I would be able to pay off our outstanding bills that much faster and pay off the house early. If I could get home from work and actually get stuff done around the house without having to stop every 5 minutes to deal with Little Sprout or sleep while she is sleeping (we are down to an hour a day), the house could run so much smoother. If I just won the lottery....

Then I take a step back and realise that I just can't do all that without help. I have been trying (oh, gosh, have I been trying) for so long, and I just haven't made even a dent in the mountain of my hopes and plans. Not that Mr. Barefoot doesn't help out around the house. I know he is going to read this and think that I am saying he doesn't do anything. He does. It's just that there is so much that needs to be done to handle the day-to-day life around here, I don't get to accomplish the things that are technically extra but are very important to me.

So I am left feeling trapped with very few options. I COULD become a total, selfish, nasty b*tch and say: This is what I want, I am gonna get it, no matter what it takes. Deal. I don't really see myself doing that, though. Another option is for me to keep on going as I have been, hoping and dreaming, working my butt off and being constantly disappointed in where things are going. That just doesn't seem to be healthy. The last option that I can see is to just give up on the whole thing and coast. Oh, that doesn't sit well at all. I HATE that folks are addicted to acting like sheep, allowing the media and the 'Joneses' to dictate what they do with their lives, completely unmindful of their responsibility to do their best to make the right choices every day.

So I am cranky. I don't like any of the options available to me. I don't like feeling like I am struggling so hard for so little. I don't like feeling like I am alone in this. I HATE that I have to prove that my dissatisfaction is not a product of my depression.

Rant over, and I will do my best to be more positive from now on.



Finding Pam... said...

Let's see, last time I checked,you have two kids, a husband, cats, dog, garden, home,work,help others and who knows what else you do, oh, yes, I forgot all that beautiful canning and food pantry you have, farming... I am just tired just from reading your blog, but I am in awe of you for all that you do.

I think sometimes, I don't feel successful and then I realize just how blessed I am. I went through a phase when I was younger and I wondered...Is that all there is?

My husband did the same thing. Goals are only a road map and sometimes other things are more important, like raising kids. You only have one shot at that and then they are gone so fast. There will be time for your goals later.

I hope this helps, if not, please know that this was written from the heart of experience.

Lisa said...

Yikes! We need some cheesecake in room three... STAT!

Okay. A question. Does Mr. Barefoot share any of your goals, not just lip service, but deep down in his soul?

Is there a way to discuss and settle on one, maybe two goals right now that you both can work toward??

Can you prioritize the rest and be comfortable with letting some of them rest for a bit?

Well,maybe that was more that "a" question. You seem to feel alone in your quest so I was wondering about it. It really helps to have someone to talk to about the challenges of your goals who shares them too. Even if things aren't making progress at the time, at least you can share.

Do forget that you are now a homeowner and that is a biggie goal! And you did it! The rest will come to pass (or not) if you don't kill yourself in the process.

Now, pass the chocolate sauce! Oh! You have a cold?? Never mind, I'll eat all the sauce myself. You'll feel better that way!! Hey...I'm there for ya, babe!

RuthieJ said...

Oh Barefoot, I was having the same thoughts yesterday too as I was cleaning, doing laundry, and looking at the apples sitting on the kitchen counter waiting to be cut up and made into apple butter--and I don't even have to deal with kids. It's so frustrating when it seems like you work all the time and there's still an endless list of stuff to get done. Is knitting and crafts just for fun? I always feel guilty sitting down to do them because I'm not getting "work" done. I thought maybe I would get over it once I got "older" but that didn't happen. Now I'm wondering if I'm just a poor manager of my time, or maybe that 40 hours a week I spend at work really is a problem!

Sorry I don't really have any solutions to help you out, but I feel your pain. Hang in there girlfriend! As Red Green says, "we're all in this together."

barefoot gardener said...

Thanks, Pam and Ruthie for the support....

Actually...No, Mr. Barefoot doesn't share my goals at all. I don't think he even really understands where I am coming from. We have talked about a million times, and I have asked for some things that would help me out. The thing is, since it isn't important to him it is hard for him to help me out. I guess that is where a lot of my angst is coming from right now. I am realising that these things are NOT important to him, and I can neither force him to care nor control his behaviors. So I am feeling like my only option is to give up, and that just goes against my grain....

Oh, and hand over that chocolate sauce, lady. I may be sick, but I am not DEAD!

Lisa said...

Well, i think we have figured out the problem. You are trying to do all of this with a "resistant spouse." Not a good situation!

I guess the best suggestion I can give you (other than the Cheesecake of the Month Club) is to break the goals into smaller steps, ones that can be accomplished by a single person. This can be hard, if the spouse is actively working against you, but as you say, you can't force him.

Other than that, just keep putting one foot in front of the other towards those goals, and rejoice in the smaller steps!

Kati said...

(((((HUGS))))) No advice, esp. considering everybody else's fabulous advice, but rant away, sweety!!! This is your blog, and if you want to rant, you go right on ahead and rant.