Last night, I was talking to the Sarge about how grumpy I have been getting about my work situation. Not the Big Boss B*tch Situation (just so you know, the two-faced woman sat and acted like nothing had happened when she and I were at work together last night. She also once again denied to the Sarge that she had any problem with any of us overnight staff. Why the note, then?!), but rather the fact that I work such crappy hours that the rest of my life falls by the wayside just so I can get through.
I was lamenting that I couldn't seem to be more like Sarge in the fact that she is able to look at the bottom line so clearly. She says to herself: "Self, if you want to take this trip or have this doo-hickey you need to make the $$ to do it. Go out, make the $$, and when you have it you can enjoy your trip or doo-hickey and quit doing whatever you had to do to come up with the money." It works really well for her, and I have been trying to do that in my own life. I try to convince myself that I really want to just get into a house and get debt-free (excluding the mortgage, which I would be happy to just pay down a bit ahead of schedule). After I do that and have some $$ in the bank for emergencies, I can quit all this insanity and work part time at something I enjoy and that won't ruin my health.
It's not really working though, and this is what I was telling the Sarge about. Right now I am feeling like there is no end to this miserable lifestyle I have chosen for myself, and I am pretty bummed about it.
Then the Sarge came up with a comment that just blew my mind. She said: "the thing is, you have to take care of yourself. No matter what job I have or how many hours I work, I always make sure to take care of myself first."
My brain just stuttered to a stop. In a flash of insight brought on by the combination of Sarge's ability to cut to the heart of every issue and my complete trust in her and her discretion I blurted out "But I don't know how!"
Incredibly, it is true. I mean, I know how to keep myself clean and fed, but I don't really know how to take care of myself in the way that Sarge meant.
So now I have to figure out how to work that into my busy schedule, as well. I know I am probably making things more complicated than they have to be (Sarge would surely tell me so), but I am having trouble coming up with priorities. I know that doing things that make me happy is part of taking care of myself, but I can't help but think that I could enjoy those things more if the house is clean and the laundry is all done etc before I try to do things for myself. I would be able to enjoy them with a clear conscience, so to speak. By the time I get all the chores done, though, there usually isn't enough time for me to do things just for me.
I will probably be pondering this one for the next week or so. Then, just about when I am ready to give up on wrapping my brain around the issue, the solution will most likely come to me in a blinding flash and a head-slapping "Duh" moment.
Right now I am looking forward to that....