And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. ~ Kahlil Gibran

Monday, December 31, 2007


I turn 30 this coming weekend. I am not really concerned about the number, age has never bothered me very much. It is a little shocking, though, to realise that I am no longer at an age where I can be considered a "young 'un". 30 is the age, in my mind, where you really become an adult. Your wild college years are behind you, career and family become more important, you become more responsible and "settle" into your life a bit.

But I still feel like a kid. I am beginning to wonder if I will ever grow out of the mind-set that I am just faking being a grown-up. It is rather silly for me to feel that way. I am a mom, I pay bills, I am a wife, I work a steady job, I have health insurance and car insurance. That means I am an adult. I just don't quite feel like one.

Of course, on the other hand, sometimes I feel much older than my years. I look at myself, and I realise that the last 10 years have changed me a lot. I am not as nice as I once was. I like people less. I am more selfish than I think I was before. I am less trusting. Sometimes I think these are good things, sometimes not so much.

I don't know if any of this really bothers me, I am just thinking about it. I am wondering if I like the way things are going, if I like who I am becoming. I know that I always do the best I can every day, and I think regrets are a waste of time and energy. I am just wondering.....

See, my life is not at all what I had thought it would be. It isn't necessarily a bad different, it is just different. I have been so busy living my life that I haven't really noticed until just recently. So I am a little shocked to pull my head up, look around, and find myself in a place that I had no intention of ever going.


Lisa said...

Amen, sistah! I wrestle with these same thoughts frequently and I'm *ahem* almost 48! Inside I still feel like I did in high school. Except for the daily grind, 2 kids, husband, housework, blah, blah, blah.

My oldest girl (22 years old) tells me that in a few more years she will be older than I am! What does that say about my maturity?!?

But, overall, I think this is a good thing. We can make important, mature decisions and actions when necessary, but can still maintain our youthful (in my case, childish) outlook on life. It's the best of both worlds!!

As I am prone to say to explain my self..."Growing older is inevitable. Maturity is optional!"

Em said...

As long as you don't really feel very won't be! Happy Birthday!!

Mysti said...

Life in my 30's has been fantastic! Besides age being a state of mind, reflection of the past, present and future direction of your life can show just how damn sweet things are. :) I'll be 34 (Bear will be 44 next week and Bard will be 48 the end of the month) and we have all talked about how wonderful and rich our lives have become with age.

In all honesty, I am still surprised I made it to 21. Had I not met Bear at 18 and had Teenager at 19, I would probably be dead.

It's just a matter of perspective. You're an awesome woman and are gifted with a great family for a reason. Enjoy it, and your 30's! They can be so enjoyable if you choose. {{hugs}} and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

RuthieJ said...

Hi BG,
Happy 30th birthday! I think you will enjoy your 30's (at least I did). You can grow up, but you don't have to grow old!
I'm looking at 50 this year when I find out if 50 REALLY is the new 30 (that's all BS, I think).

Kati said...

LOL I've been having many of the same thoughts, lately. I remember as a 6 year old, the mother of one of my friend's told everybody (every year!) that she was 29. After about the 3rd year, I realized that she was never getting older. I kinda thought it was strange. And now that I'm facing 29 in a couple of weeks time, I still find it strange. I'm also still feeling like I just couldn't POSSIBLY actually be almost 30. I mean, last thing I recall I was just turning 17, now I'm about to turn 29??? How did THAT happen????

LOL It is odd, isn't it?!?!?! That we're moms to adolescents, that we're wives & employees, that we've had these lives for a good sturdy portion of our lives, and yet still look at teenagers and wonder why they think we're so "old"??? (And for that matter, why do the 18 year olds look all of about 12 years old these days??? Did we look that young, when we WERE that young???) But, you're NOT the only one.

barefoot gardener said...

Thank you for all the birthday wishes!

I gotta say, Kati, I knew a woman like that. She kept telling everyone she was 29, and then one day I realised her oldest was turning 19! Up till then I believed her, but when I did THAT math I realised there was no way. She was very flattered, though.

Forever Autumn said...

I was surprised when you said that sometimes you feel that you like people less than you used to and that you aren't as nice as you once were. I have been having those very same thoughts from time to time and feeling quite down about it. I am not as trustful as I used to be. I have always been basically a 'people person'. I love people but lately not so much so. I have become cynical in my old age. I am going to try to be a more gentle and giving person. Thank you for letting me know I am not the only one who has these thoughts. It is part of being human. I think the troubles in our world can take our joy in people away. I will make it a goal to love people more and lead a more joyful life. Thank you and God bless you!