And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. ~ Kahlil Gibran

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Defective Merchandise and False Advertising

Dear Sir or Madame...

The infant (model 102420060915A) that you convinced (I say conned) me into taking home is definitely not as promised. Not only is it leaking from every orifice, but your claim that all parts are washable is obviously incorrect. Any attempt to clean any portion of said infant above the collar bone results in massive malfunction. The infant emits a high pitched squeal and begins thrashing back and forth in a manner that suggests imminent self-destruction.

I clearly recall the contract stating that this would be a "normal, healthy child" (see attached copy of original contract). Anyone who has seen "Leave it to Beaver" or "Full House" could tell you that this child is anything but normal. Below is a list of things obviously wrong with this particular model that I would like fixed. If you are unable (or unwilling) to do so, I will be returning said infant to your care and expect a full refund.

1. The volume control is broken. This child can only vocalize at the absolute loudest setting. Not only is the control not functional, it seems to be missing entirely, as several inspections have not revealed anything that remotely looks like a volume control.

2. The auditory intake apparatus is obviously malfunctioning. Not only does this child continue to do things that it has been told not to do, it seems to not even hear the word "No".

3. The internal clock (guaranteed to never fail), has been set wrong. This child seems to think that dawn comes at 4am. Repeated attempts at re-setting this alarm have failed. This is clearly a factory error.

4. The output regulator is not working properly. It seems to not function at all when DH is home, then goes into overdrive the minute I return home from work.

5. The optic receptors do not seem to register that there are already 7,000 toys on the floor to play with, resulting in the remaining 4,000 toys in the toy box being pulled out and thrown on the floor repeatedly.

6. The affection demonstration software was apparently replaced with some form of martial arts instruction, as whenever this child seems happy to see someone, it beats the living sh*t out of them.

7. The input regulators also appear to be broken. There is no "selection" to the eating process, as EVERYTHING that comes in contact with this particular child goes in it's mouth. Only my superhuman reflexes have saved this child from even further damage.

As you can see, these are some very serious issues. I thank you in advance for your time and effort in rectifying this situation.


Barefoot Mommy


Lisa said...

Dear Barefoot Mommy,

Neiner Neiner! I mean, I am sorry to inform you that the model in question is no longer under warrantee as you were stupid enough, I mean smitten enough to remove said model from the place of delivery.

While we truly appreciate your humorous but undoubtedly exaggerated recitation of difficulties, our corporate policy is to inform customers, "tough sh*t!"

Any alleged defects are no doubt the result of a failure on your part to insert ear plugs and consume copious quantities of chocolate. Rest assured that although this model doesn't qualify for our generous recall, the problems are known to change frequently and without warning but ultimately diminish and seem negligible in light of the models choice of friends or love interest.

Please fix yourself a cup of coffee, add some Baileys, and wait about 20 years. You just might forget the current problems when faced with the new ones!

Thank you for your letter and continued interest in returning your purchase.

Deb said...

I totally feel for ya, but this was hilarious! And Lisa's response just made it better!

barefoot gardener said...


Oh, golly, Lisa, that was absolutely great! *wiping tears of laughter off face* We should take that bit on the road.

I just might have to print this off to share with family that doesn't have 'net access. This is just too good!

e4 said...

Brilliant. Both of you... :)

Kati said...

ROFLMFAO!!!!!! OMG, BG, YOUR letter was priceless, but somehow Lisa managed to even top that!!!! OMG I'll be laughing over this "exchange of letters" all day. *grin* I'd also say "just you wait till adolescense" but as you've already got an (early) adolescent, you KNOW what comes next, anyway! Best of luck with the next 20 years, as Lisa said (or, at least implied)!

barefoot gardener said...

Oh, no! Lisa funnier than little old me? Now you will all love her more!


RuthieJ said...

Hi BG,
Having never had children of my own, I just read this and laughed. Everything I've ever heard from friends with children is that the second baby is TOTALLY different from the first. I'm glad you can see the humor in this and Lisa's suggestion about 20 years of Bailey's and coffee sounded like really good advice!

Walter Jeffries said...

*grin* We've joked the same about not being able to find the volume control! Around age four they get volume control installed, it's an upgrade. Be sure to ask for it at their annual inspection and repair.

Ruthiej, we've had three but they're all identical clones. This makes so much easier. Although there is the odd little detail that the third one came out a girl and the first two are boys... Perhaps we didn't do the cloning procedure quite right. We'll just have to try again! (PS. I have _nothing_ against girls and don't really care which we get!)

barefoot gardener said...


So glad for the heads up! I will definitely discuss this upgrade with the maintenance personell at the 4 year tuneup.

Glad to see you, I love new "faces"!!!