Dear Sir or Madame...
The infant (model 102420060915A) that you convinced (I say conned) me into taking home is definitely not as promised. Not only is it leaking from every orifice, but your claim that all parts are washable is obviously incorrect. Any attempt to clean any portion of said infant above the collar bone results in massive malfunction. The infant emits a high pitched squeal and begins thrashing back and forth in a manner that suggests imminent self-destruction.
I clearly recall the contract stating that this would be a "normal, healthy child" (see attached copy of original contract). Anyone who has seen "Leave it to Beaver" or "Full House" could tell you that this child is anything but normal. Below is a list of things obviously wrong with this particular model that I would like fixed. If you are unable (or unwilling) to do so, I will be returning said infant to your care and expect a full refund.
1. The volume control is broken. This child can only vocalize at the absolute loudest setting. Not only is the control not functional, it seems to be missing entirely, as several inspections have not revealed anything that remotely looks like a volume control.
2. The auditory intake apparatus is obviously malfunctioning. Not only does this child continue to do things that it has been told not to do, it seems to not even hear the word "No".
3. The internal clock (guaranteed to never fail), has been set wrong. This child seems to think that dawn comes at 4am. Repeated attempts at re-setting this alarm have failed. This is clearly a factory error.
4. The output regulator is not working properly. It seems to not function at all when DH is home, then goes into overdrive the minute I return home from work.
5. The optic receptors do not seem to register that there are already 7,000 toys on the floor to play with, resulting in the remaining 4,000 toys in the toy box being pulled out and thrown on the floor repeatedly.
6. The affection demonstration software was apparently replaced with some form of martial arts instruction, as whenever this child seems happy to see someone, it beats the living sh*t out of them.
7. The input regulators also appear to be broken. There is no "selection" to the eating process, as EVERYTHING that comes in contact with this particular child goes in it's mouth. Only my superhuman reflexes have saved this child from even further damage.
As you can see, these are some very serious issues. I thank you in advance for your time and effort in rectifying this situation.