I have a situation at home. A big life-changing situation. One that threatens my marriage, my mental and emotional health, my financial well-being, everything. I don't really want to use this space for that kind of venting, or really get into specifics. But in order to understand where the following is coming from, you have to know that a bombshell has been dropped right in the middle of my life.
I have already stated that I have an extreme personality. I understand moderation in thought and action, but my natural tendency is to totally ignore that understanding. Things are good or bad, black or white. In a word: simple. Even if a situation is extremely complex, I tend to break it down into it's fundamental parts and evaluate each of those as good or bad, black or white, acceptable or unacceptable. Now I find myself in a situation where tact and diplomacy are needed, and I find I have neither the skill nor the desire to provide either to the others involved. A part of this stems from the fact that neither of these things have served me well with these people in the past, and part is the fact that I no longer WANT to be tactful or diplomatic. I am tired of giving up what makes me happy for others. I can't even call it compromise, because I have been the only one to give ground.
I want to tell everyone: This is what I want and what I am willing to tolerate. Either comform, or get out of my life now. To H*ll will what you want or feel.
Like I said, I like things simple.
However, this is not a simple time, and my actions will affect not only me and my hubby but 4 children for the rest of their lives. Children. 2 of which are mine. 2 of which are unborn. 1 of which has already a history of emotional and mental illness. I may be a selfish b*tch, but there are some things I have a hard time being selfish about. Kids are the big one.
So I, the lover of simplicity, find myself trapped in a situation where there is no simple solution. No matter what I say or do, it will have a negative impact on someone. I am sinking into a bog of complexity, and I DON'T LIKE IT!!!