And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. ~ Kahlil Gibran

Thursday, August 10, 2006

The fine lines we walk

I have a situation at home. A big life-changing situation. One that threatens my marriage, my mental and emotional health, my financial well-being, everything. I don't really want to use this space for that kind of venting, or really get into specifics. But in order to understand where the following is coming from, you have to know that a bombshell has been dropped right in the middle of my life.

I have already stated that I have an extreme personality. I understand moderation in thought and action, but my natural tendency is to totally ignore that understanding. Things are good or bad, black or white. In a word: simple. Even if a situation is extremely complex, I tend to break it down into it's fundamental parts and evaluate each of those as good or bad, black or white, acceptable or unacceptable. Now I find myself in a situation where tact and diplomacy are needed, and I find I have neither the skill nor the desire to provide either to the others involved. A part of this stems from the fact that neither of these things have served me well with these people in the past, and part is the fact that I no longer WANT to be tactful or diplomatic. I am tired of giving up what makes me happy for others. I can't even call it compromise, because I have been the only one to give ground.

I want to tell everyone: This is what I want and what I am willing to tolerate. Either comform, or get out of my life now. To H*ll will what you want or feel.

Like I said, I like things simple.

However, this is not a simple time, and my actions will affect not only me and my hubby but 4 children for the rest of their lives. Children. 2 of which are mine. 2 of which are unborn. 1 of which has already a history of emotional and mental illness. I may be a selfish b*tch, but there are some things I have a hard time being selfish about. Kids are the big one.

So I, the lover of simplicity, find myself trapped in a situation where there is no simple solution. No matter what I say or do, it will have a negative impact on someone. I am sinking into a bog of complexity, and I DON'T LIKE IT!!!


e4 said...

Wow, that sounds like it sucks.

It's hard to comment much without understanding the situation, but it doesn't sound fun.

If the bombshell is within the confines of your marriage, a Google search for Willard Harley might lead you to helpful places. Or it might not.

Good luck in getting through it. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other for a while. Wish I had more to offer...

barefoot gardener said...

Thanks for the good thoughts. Harley looks good, if not necessarily applicable to this situation. Then again, there might be something there usefull, so I will definitely read more.

This issue isn't so much the marriage, but the problems created by blended families and personal limits. Short version is one of his has crossed the line of what I can handle, and so everything has gone a little nuts. DH and I are still trying to be understanding of each other's needs, but those needs are completely opposing each other right now.

Anyway, thanks again.